lek - 11/14


there's alot i want to say, but paper and ink limits me. half of the things that trouble me, i cannot put into words or even thought. it is very difficult for me. i don't want to cope with it. if someone by chance is to find this, i won't seek it. ill just know that the paper is somewhere, whether is be in a trashcan or in the palms of someone that may or may not know me. but i'll start. my name (legally) is lauren elizabeth kempster, but my dad's last name is hovland. i was born in askøy, norway. my mom says i was a good baby. we moved to bergen, really close to the water. i remember it raining alot. that's really all i remember about norway. we went about 2 or 3 times back, but i don't really remember. my mom and dad started fighting. my mom has no respect for her bloodline. she is also an alchoholic. i don't have much respect for her and don't think she is very smart. i think it was the alchohol. we moved to the east coast of the US, va beach to be specific. i remember some members of my family, but so far only one or two keeps in contact. i hope they still know who i am. one of them lives in sweden with his wife and new baby boy, but his dad blew his own brains out last winter so they go back and forth between bergen and somewhere in sverige. my dad has a son (who is also my half brother, but i consider him my whole brother), and he is in the army now. i'm proud of him. he's coming home for christmas. i started school by my house, and i don't remember much about that either. i remember tripping and slamming on my face when i was in pre school. up until eigth grade, i don't remember much. i guess it was then when i started to realize things in a different way. i was smoking marijuana heavily. my dad became verbally abusice. he always was, i just don't remember it. i had been interested on and off in a boy named Ian (his real name was Stian, he was from Oslo coincedentally). he was seventeen or eighteen at the time. we were together on off for about a year and a half. he cheated on me three times. i'm still a little upset, but not much. he's nineteen now, got a baby on the way and has a fiance. "is it bad i wish them all ill?" i ask myself sometimes. no answer. i must not care. i was listening to black metal. black metal is very special to me. it sums up my feelings and dismisses my earthly fears. i admire per ohlin. he's dead now, suicide. my parents are divorced now, and i'm seeing another psychiatrist and going on my third. today i will be prescribed medicine. half of me hopes it will help and half of me wants to die still. things feel so complex and robotic at the same time. i hate it. hopefully, i will get homeschooled soon. my mother is avoiding it. 20 minutes left. my mom got into a car accident a couple days before my birthday, and had a stroke before that. my dad is bankrupt. i don't really like my parents. the more i think about it, the more i actually want someone to find this. i get told to "get over it" alot. you think i'm making this up? you think i'm exaggerating? listen, swine. get off the lap of popularity and greed and stop being led around like the dog you are on that pink rhinestone chain. the only sole reason i'm alive right now is because of you. because i find joy in watching your psedo-originality. i laugh and spit in your face. you are shit. you are nothing. just a mass produced clone, filled with "ideas" which are not even your own. if someone told you to gut a puppy, you'd do it. it's cool to gouge your eyes out now? you'll get on it. make them follow you for once, copycat, because i'm not buying into your "uniqueness" anymore, you waste of life. i live to see you grovel at the feet of your big important boss dog who barks left and right, telling you that teal is the new everything, and bearing his teeth at rejected rejects. you are "rejects" of society, ja? rejects don't reject others. choke, scum of the earth, and kill yourself, all the cool kids are doing it.

i almost                    wrote a                          suicide  letter today




i almost killed myself!

i wish i never cut my hair into bangs, i wish i hadn't done alot of things




atleast i can look foward to coheed